There is something growing in my mind : it's a beautiful plant

.log 🌱

to do
•(done) I wanna watch Bungo stray dogs
• need 23min to watch Pale Cocoon (2006) and dissociate thanks
•(done) want to watch Cells at work
• window movie maker to make film or vivendi (free software)
• Leviticus (september 2026)
• Nippon Sangoku (anime recommended by my brother)
• Twelve angry men (1957)
• Ramshackle by Zeddyzi

note :
• bought my ticket for cútlôn (vietnamese metal band) concert ^_^

I just... need an aquarium date with a Sweet Pool enjoyer and make out in the bathrooms idk

... just an idea

ELLO EVERYNYAN

HALO EVERYNYAN
HARRO EVOURINYAN

Waaaaaaaaa＠:ア＞°♂a％。$？♀⇒ッ ! ? !!!

^ Official髭男dism - 50%
Ending of the live action of Cells at work (2024)

I want a blog page with
1) a proper banner and
2) time update and
3) weather check (manual ?)

Risô = ideal
The book of an ideal

Ramshackle, someone recommended it on magma rp cafe

https://www.youtube.com/@CROWONHYENAS
^ Searched to qua (crow nest (hair)) vn and rapviet gave this

and
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ql9UzdO3ICA&list=LL&index=1
Cam - Có Nhiều Tiền (Official Audio)
(listen later when chill)

new blog >>here<< !

^ just a reminder to keep this track for September blog

Ramshackle !

But computer is melting and it's 30°c in my room
I just should use my electronical devices.

sooo I had a stand in an art market and only sold 3 things. lol loser

29/06/26 : maybe ... I want to be hold by someone but I am just very not interested in people liking me or perceiving me
I love loneliness to much. It has been a characteristic I am very loyal too. When I am talking about "my gf" irl, it's obviously my fictive one, the one who will never betray me because she will always be here as my ideal.

going to cinema and oshikatsu lonely date
oooor going painting and risk life lol

It's pretty annoying to have very different hobbies, and have to wear different clothes for different activities. At least I am never bored
that's it, it seems I always have fun. So much fun, anytime, everywhere.

Sometimes I just wish I wasn't so tired, when my body is tired, my mind is confused, lost, annoyed. Being sleep deprived is a very bad thing. But I am kind of homeless when I come to the capital (capitalism is making us poor), I don't have anywhere to crash, or I have to ask and depent of someone. I always feel like I have to get sex whenever I go to sleep to someone, which I hate that atm. I don't want anyone to touch me, but I feel like a certain invitation is having this moment with people who accepts me in their house. It's pretty disgusting. I wish I had more free friends, more kind and honest friends. Friends who are interested in platonic relationships, and also friends will not try to fry my brain at 4am. I just need a safe place to rest. Some keys, a bed. Maybe I will end up sleeping in a park, a station, under a bridge.
I am starting to feel insecure

YURIII NEW ALIEN STAGE EPISODE IS OUT !!
Sua .... beloved angel

woke up at 7:07
ate three crepes
rice, two tomatoes
smoothie mango, avocado and orange juice
took my parameters : my weight is 39,40kg sighhhs

ok. ok. okay. Concert was absolutely divine. For real, cút lôn was good, is it still good, really powerful, crazy. I am very proud to be part of a supporter of this vietnamese metal band ! I got a sign of Vui, the singer. The bassist was sooooo cute and joyful, always smiling that was so nice to see aaah. I said to Vui that his flow was amazing. My friends told me I had the same vibe as him and it makes me very happy huuu
Also my hair looks very stupid right now it makes me less sad when I noticed the singer has the exactly same haircut ahahaha.

Went to sleep to HU's place, haven't ate since that apple I crunched before the concert (around 19:30 at a bus stop)
Woke up at 7:07 it's so strange to have a different life rythm but I think it isn't bad
I love waking up early anyways and it's going to be the same for my cursus in Poland

I need a radical change in my life..... which is not my hair.... sighhhs hhu

in vacation but I am tired and sad
Cut my hair in a very chaotic way
Sadder even because I will not be able to do the cute hairstyles anymore
bitter regret but it's okay, hair will grow up again and it's summer so it's chiller to get them short

I wanna draw but i am too warm
I wanna draw but it's 1:11 and I will just scribble nothing good not concrete
D:

Drew some ugly little mimir on hurlingmoss page

playing pipo

I think the concept of "cowlick" is very mysterious
It's called cowlick when a lock of hair is separated from your usual hair shape after a good sleep. It was like a cow came in your room while you were sleeping and lick your head to put it like that

that's cute
and also very wicked, creepy

drinking coconut milk with strawberries and ice cubes
(happy thing, feeling refreshed)

Today we go to see some place with sand, grass and lake 🌱🍀🌱🍀🌱
Was sOOO on time in my planning but... everything is going guuuuh bad for me. Slow driver makes me miss my train. We were supposed to go all together with friends to a place for a buddy birthday but it seems they took the train without waiting for me (which is totally right !! i completely understand because some other peeps are waiting at the other station and it would be too complicated) so i am team solo loser who feels excluded like so fucking usual
I brought some fruit salad and veggie juice, and bought some pastries for my friends... but I had the urge to tell myself I'll go back home. It would be stupid right ?? To miss the fun with friends just because of lazy bus driver ...
so I jumped in the second train and listening at mailpup to high up my mood !
let's go even if i am so scared
(i am still a little bit sad to missed the train with everyone because it is the funniest part in my pov, I mean the beginning of the fun...)

when i was in my "i'm late crazy mood" I told myself : i deserve the scars I gave to myself. I deserve the pain and the suffering for being like this and this will be who I am, it will shape me and if I am strong enough to make it it will become a strength.
" Scars remind you everything"

update : crazy heatwave, had to move from spot to spot to be in shadow
it was fun
Went home so tired uh uhhhh ehehe
Damimi got me a Lamento keychain, i am so happy
Met cool people, Pallas (?) had a Rei from Slow Damage keychain !!!!!!!!!!!

Decided to take the bus to go back home. My head hurts, I need fresh water and I need to stick with my plan

trembling. Decided to stay but I want to go home but my mom hates me and I feel like a burden
I don't have a safeplace anymore
head hurts
tomorrow my friend's birthday
is my mom going to ruin everything up again ? or will I ruin everything again ? eh...

aaahhh heatwave. so warm.
I just went out wearing light and frilly clothes and people started moewing at me

angrily ate an apple 🫪

my day was good, I found a four leaves clover ! but I ended up scaring myself
Wokeup and doodles some characters on paper. Makoto Mita, Asato and Bardo fishing (idk) I searched "pangasius" on google images; it's a fish (poisson-chat) name that came in my mind this morning and... I found this hilarious picture of a dude that looks like what I want to ideally become, with two fishes in each of his palm.
I drew a remake of this with Bardo. well, a good day is starting.

Finished my written work, done my homework, cleaned the house.
Decided to go pick up my oshi, package they delivered super far away my place (I am exaggerating, it's super close, just the next town) I wanted to wear an outfit, but never had the opportunity to wear it so I did. It's a very frilly dotted lilac skirt with heartshape buttons, a white short sleeves blouse (i never, ever wear short sleeves because I hate my arms and don't like my tattoos), striped long socks one side black and white and the other side purple and black, a super puffy petticoat and my super soft and loved itabag. I also took an umbrella and a second bag because it's 33°celsius. My walk were lovely, I passed to the cemetery by coincidence. The smell of deads never leave my mind, once you notice, it's very particular. and. I found a four leaves clover !!! 🍀 what does that mean ? I was just there to observe it. On the way to the package store, there was a "boîte à livres", hm... like a free books post. I took a book from it, it's called "la Vague" and it's a terrible story I had to read back then at school. I slided the clover in.
On my way back, I discovered new paths, new little hidden forest (okay the pipo who live there is prolly their territory) but it was calm and I felt welcomed by nature. It was very fun to walk and hearing my little straps and charms clinking together.
Some humans, in their cars shout at me, or staaaaring at me, but i zm grinning, I have this thing they don't have : heavy mind and light head. Weird little hobbies. Mind full of hopeful characters.
After my accomplished retrieving mission, I went to bought strawberries and milk, i am feeling very sweet. But when I went back home my mom was the most annoying human being ever, destroying absolutely the good mood. It became so worse when she broke the door and cooked a fucking super spicy dish : I have eating disorders and it was too much for me. I pushed my bowl, spat and went back in bedroom, sad and hungry, wounds open, old wounds even wider open : strict diet. It always makes me SO SAD, desperate when it comes to food, restriction, lack of consideration, antipathy and just... the fact that I might be the problem.
My conclusion? My mom is so selfish and I am having the same grey clouds as Mita.

Whevener I think about this blog i feel very silly and cringe because I really express and shout out too much in a very bed english
Maybe I should use the internet or this space in a more smart way, maybe I should consume more realistic informations and be more engaged with society and politics but...
it feels good to be light-minded sometimes. and I really think I am someone too serious and rigid irl so I am just yapyapping with my heart where I can

Anyways, I drew some moments of my life

I learned the "ghosting" phenomenon to my mom, about the overwhelmed notifications and informations users receive on their devices today.
It was an interesting discussion ! I feel concerned about the consequences of technologies and social medias, we had a university lesson where we learned about IA, algorithms, FOMO phenomenons and psychology affects on pipo

PIPO = people but i think it's funny to write like a little flûte...........

read my BOOK NNNOW THAT I ALMOST FINISHED ALL MY EXAMS GUUH

nevee published story msg : sorry I struggle to answer message atm my phone is dying I am exhausted and I'm having a hard time planify any future plans
Being active on SM doesn't mean I want interactions btw I am just throwing my braintriz I am so sorry

so many insects x___x
about to take the last bus so store will be closed x_____x2 but it's okay it's not far away my place so i can go tomorrow.

note : "two grandmas made fun of me because of my bag i'm goin to kms"

🍎I took an apple in my bag I hope to have the strength to sit in a parc and eat it like a shinigami.
I am done of consumption, I wonder how many time I abandoned the idea to go shopping, to buy food
update : ate my apple !

🎈 After that, I will get my oshikatsu neko bag and I will draw some characters. I drew Verg x Bardo crackship and chuckled in my room.
My life feels so absurd, I am so easily distracted, my mood is changing so fast
I am not worried anymore when I am telling myself that I have something other people don't (I am telling about uh yaoi knowledge, Neocities and magma and internet deep crackbrainrot acknowledgement ; these things that make me feel alive)
I wonder how much time I will live
I wonder where I will end up
I wonder until when I will consider myself as a child with damaged interests

I wrote in my hatebooknote my despair "it's SO OVER" moment now I feel better. life is still going on

fuck my stupid baka life !!

failed my exam ok.ok

exam went well I guess, i haven't slept too much
was drawing on magma (with woa_oh) when i went back home then i started to feel dizzy and feverish uh

taking a break
also feeling socially awkward and slow even online mioughh

Sweet pool soundtrack, Alien stage anniversary songs, DMMD soundtrack, Blue Spring ost, early in the morning feels like a blessing for real
Nothing can hurt me
Nothing can fail me

I found Goatmoth's comic about Makoto Mita and uhhh it's so good.

three... no four more exams and I will be free
I am afraid I am becoming crazy because of uni exam session
I am doing the MINIMUM effort, I hope I will just... finish this session asap.

Had a dream I bought three paquets de chips en mode crise de boulimie fr mon pote y a rien qui va
I want to read the book I got. I want to watch animes. I want to dig more into visual novels.
I want to draw. soon..................... I want to be better at drawing.

oh my dude dog yeah... I have to dress up at 7am for tomorrow morning exam. It's... 3:47 alright. very well
how should i dress up i want to show up frilly cute with my itabag and such but i always acted very manly nonchalent emo for two entire years it would be SO ODD to show up being in soft and cute outfit, like I seriously doubt of me whenever i dare to exist
Also when I show off on artist markets i sometimes feel like i do recognize stands but not people or artists and it feels very awkward when they stare at me, or another very cringe moment is when it's sunday and i dress up in full lolita and frilly clothes (from bottom to nails) and i cross the path of people who could know me but in another context, i just want to shout "oh aha yeah i am completely not the person you think i am ^^" "they're my twin lol" but most of the time i just ignore under the pretext that I can't see anything with my blind eyes

Can't hear shit whenever there is more than three people around me

mmmh I be thinking about

Uh nothing i just write pretending I am busy

a happy day ^___^
I saw my friend and it was so kind and nice !!! I am happy that we spent some time together in art school then at papeterie, yapping, taking news, complaining, we even fixed another rdv !! They're so dear to me, we've been exchanging a lot through penpal 💌
We went to kubus a polski sklep and bought chocolate, macaron and herbata !!!
I love polish culture so much
My friend is polish and I am viet learning linguistics ^___^
it makes me happy
" I love learning more about you"

"Laisse-moi t'expliquer ma rationalité pour que tu me comprennes, et que tu puisses te comprendre toi même."

bro brought a gurl
oh what my brother invited a gurrll at home and I just uh guh locking in my room
But I must go out, so I get up super motivated to join my friends at school !!!!!!! it's their last day !! i am not studying fck!

hahhh i just took an afternoon break to craft instead of study and iT FEELS SO GOOD !!

The shop were I wanted to postulate for work just hired someone 😔

maybe it wasn't my chance nor my time

hmm I don't have much attentes envers les gens anymore.
I'm going non-verbal because I just hope people shut the fuck up
I also should stop throwing all me thoughts, especially when they're negative
Who do I think I am ? I should share advices, happy moments, kindness
but I don't

why

I feel sad about incoming events
I feel sad because I thought the vkei festival will be SO MUCH FUNNN and I will go with all my friends and such, but i feel demotivated because some resold their tickets for financial reasons, some are in Japan, some are just going one day... so I feel so fucking lonely again. Anyways, I will prolly go to Paris alone like usual, and enjoy it in my little mind, for myself.
In the beginning I wanted to create a chatgroup to yapyap and have a community vkei base but my two bestfriends just prefer go watch american series, eat fastfood and go sleep early after work lol they truly have an adult routine kind of life and it make me feel... like i am still a kid, emo kid who has no friends and only fandoms

Some people are just doing SO MUCH ECONOMY they pass on the side of REAL FUN LIFE.

Asato's route truly broke my heart, I feel like I lost something, like a limb.

10/06 : exam time in 10min there is so much pipo in the corridor and so much noise again

I told people I don't want around me to fuck off
IHY! I really think everyone should die including me
Told a dude who were abusing my friendship to fuck off and stay away from me, & i am not going back. Turning my back to cisman with weird asian obsession... fucking creep.

Went to a punk market and dude follows me. fucking creep!! just fuck off my way !! fuck off my life !

After that, I started nervously yapping about my new friends on magma.
Starting nervously tell my friend dude is "weird" (i used this term way too much to not explicitly say he's an abuser. and that he abused me). trembling. I hate talking openly about people. But people do talk about me and that's SO disturbing. just shut up

Saw my friend G_____ and was scared they changed because of their transition, but they didn't. They stayed the same. I don't know why i am so scared
Trans people fundamentally themselves, right ? I am scared of extremism.

with all these bullshits I wracałam do domu late and sklep was closed, couldn't pickup my itabag. fuck

Listened at cútlôn band, viet metal band which is super super good.
I am thinking to go to their concert but some gurls I know also go there and I am scary to be socially awkward again
I like to go to concert on my own and be lonely, be free to go wherever I want, to leave even earlier to wander around...

Will c/c my fave titles !! but rn i am on phone, just woke up from a nap Answered some message, feel even more lonely

fave titles : Mān, Hom qua
(sorry diacritic)

9/06 : woke up, took a shower, drank two gigantic cup of thyme tea... headache. I have exams tomorrow. my head hurts. I feel heartbroken
13:13 : make a wishhhh hm.
my eyes hurt

sewing takes SO MUCH TIME what the hell
so I decided to cut into that short black leather jacket I found and patch it over my pants lol it looks fire, very post-apo, and very crusty

i am tired of the greeny cute vibe theme. i might fail being calm and kind, changing into grey theme

discovered melonland and will probably stick on it with amazement
well I registered on Monday by hiding the spinning clouds but i have to wait now, anyways I like the concept of being part of new adventures on the web!

they accepted:DD

made a strawpage
https://chiral-ninja.straw.page/

so everytime i connect there i die of an heart stroke

morning : I struggle go get out of my bed everytime

Last night I randomly join a Magma jam and found someone drawing N+C arts. I immediatly reacted by drawing Konoe next to them and we end up yapping for hours

7/06 : People problem is that they are pipo This morning I received an invitation to an event but the owner said "there is beef with people and i am not picking side". This concerns me and someone I used to know who were very abusive, with weird obsession about cosplay and tendancy of cultural appropration.
I am not the kind of person who actually speak up when I don't get along with people. I keep my problems for me because it does not concern other people (plus some mind are so easily manipulated) and influencable. But other people talk, they talk, talk, talk about dramas, that renforces their little bubble of conviction. I do not share my opinions in useless drama because I don't spread negativity. That's clear : you are not respecting me and my boundaries, moral limits, then I distant myself from you. But i notice some people do spread negativity about me, on my back, about my negligence, my absence, my odd ways to react. It really feels lonely when you notice that. Some groupchat space are created and you are not included. You are slowly getting isolated because you haven't tell your problems, which is very unfortunate.
Maybe that's right, I shouldn't be there, invited, and present for people who are seeing each other and talk shit.

6/06 : Finally found the book I want, processed to own it !!!
Also a bag. i dk i spend money because I feel stuck and sad.
I feel empty, decided to go to sleep early yesterday after writing in my notebook about Lamento, Sweet Pool, MADK znd Goth. anyways

Today is a new day I guess ! I must study
Also one good thing : the other day I received my diploma from a formation I did gor piercing and tattoos ! it has my actual name on it, so I feel very proud.

5/06 : remember was doing exercices to get more strength in my arms in my dream... every morning as a routine ... maybe I should do it

mmmh arrived twenty minutes before exam, people are arriving there is so much noise, i am fading
Hiding behind a wall
my throat hurts
I been thinking of the yoaoi memes i saw this morning, had an impulse to draw but didn't

update : i run to get my bus under the rain and got it !! Tall Danielle saw me running like a wetdog with my fringe split in half and it feels hazukashii

Also I bought my bus ticket to go to this japanese metal vkei festival.

4/06 : today is my big brother's birthday! happy bday to himmm 1998 boyo
I drew on paper and I am absolutely obsessed with it, scratching paper feels so good
Also received a package from Cha! how lovely

Today, discussed with someone who told me that my ex-partner sexually abused them D: uh. hate cis men so much. I buried that relationship a long time ago so having some news like that truly is disturbing and concerning

3/06 : NOOO my throat hurts. I feel sick gyuuh
it's raining outside. I am at my desk, in my litlle room, slowly drowning in my sickness
Aaahh I received an e-mail from my friend in Canada !
soo happy to get some news from them hhiiiiiii

moosic

1/06 : my oral exam went well. It just went, I don't know if it actually went well, it was so fast, it was about 1984.
When I arrived to P1 I saw Daniella !!! I adore heeer so much, I was so happy that we exchanged contact ! it truly made my day ✨

Then I walked a little bit, and bought a vanilla deodorant lol because I am done being smelly

I found a black (elastic ??) leather jacket abandoned in the streets. And after being so slow and hesitant, I decided to take it. It remembers Shiki from Togainu no chi and I want to make some sewing so I took it to make something.
At Dokomi, I saw some very cool Gachiakuta cosplay and I like the post-apocalypse look very kakkoi ! I want to make some leather accessories to add to my outfit, like some sewn trousers and jacket add-ons, scraps and hoods.

onigiri poutch
and embroidery paws !!
cathood with scraps and squares

L'apathie est un état clinique et psychologique caractérisé par une perte durable de motivation, d'initiative et d'intérêt. Les personnes qui en souffrent éprouvent une profonde indifférence, un émoussement affectif et une difficulté à se mettre en mouvement, même pour les tâches du quotidien.

found this
https://vnjs.thatplayer.com/

kuh means cow in german

ouuuhh hadn't the time to code a travel digital memopad
So I guess this is where I am going to write and describe my little trip to Germany !
Wake up at 6:06

hurling
I missed my bus xDxDxD
bro
so I took another ONE HOUR FORTY-FIVE MINUTES AFTER so I arrived late at the con but ACTUALLY had the time to see the people I want and their stands !!!! Dokomi is so huge ! it's magic! i feel so safe there
It surely an expensive experience... lol
Found some (supah rare) Lamento merches !!!!!!! and nitro+plus and actually a very small community !! Vermin is so much lovely I must remember them
Found Towa and Aoba stuffs was surprised to meet some artists ehehe I like when sum artists are just hiding under their works, it makes me feel so proud of themmmm
Some peeps have high level !! they spend so much time drawing that's crazy. I wish I was an artist like them too, but I guess they choose this path and decide to setiously work at it as a fulltime profession which is so respectful !!!!!!!!

mort de rire, je suis à l'avance à l'arrêt du bus du retour et il a 23 minutes de retard
mais bien sûr

En vrai 3-4 de convention c'est grv suffisant là j'ai trop mal aux pattes

aussi je me suis remangé dans la gueule le fait que je sois myope : je voyais grave pas les merches de loin, ça craint

made a page for my art

- take plants in picture
- png work
- make a garden
- draw a garden
- make a miniature/diorama
(saw some peopme who do little dolls of their characters)

I should do a better
bloc i like the table

note memopad

digital post-it

with plants

i want to go fishing 🎣

fish

28/05 : saw a ferret in the garden !!!
my cat brought a very fat rat, sadly it was still alive and suffering D: when I approached it was bleeding
It was around 4am so everybuddy in the house was asleep
I thought that nature was cruel : law of prey and predator : is it inevitable ? but the stronger wants to protect the weak one, right ?
Nature is cruel and also well done because it ends up stabilising itself...
Also I thought maybe I shouldn't "confiscate" the rat from my cat (I put it away in a table in the garden, but it was in a close room where the cat can't enter) because basically it chased it and got it so it's her. I should leave it to her so she can enjoy her effort, but I am just scared of cruelty (she will just pushed its guts out and play with it without even considering the creaks of the bones idk) and also I am terrified to find it randomly somewhere under a carpet or my bed the dead corpse of an animal that had been hidden

woke up
stared the ceiling
uh uh i feel demotivated
wrote, chatchatted with my bro
Decided to shower, dress up and going out ! let's go ! adventures
Passed by Tinie's, vietnamese store and bought a banh da lon and peanuts
On my way to visit an expo, to a place I also used to expose past them, it was a collective expo, let's support people because I feel SO DOWN ;
artistically down. I just want to be better at digital, painting, colouring and proportions, more dynamics, and obviously more meanings. But, my limits stop me everytimes and I end up doodling instead of working seriously. Maybe I don't have much determination ? I know that I will never reach the level of some people but I still want to try. I want to be them in some way, having a table and expose in big convention like my childhood friend succeed. I will never be them. I choose another path which is completely valid too I feel like I consume more than I produce

27/05 : Law exam today. it went well I guess. Went to sleep 1am, woke up at 6am. Cat brought a dead mouse and hide it under my bed. Neighbourhood's cat entered in my room to fight 🫯 ?? come on please don't
Saw Yenyen, we walked, went to buy a cable and ate banh mi
They offered me sum stationary stuffs forbmy birthday aaah luv them, they understand me so well
The sun and lack of sleep give me headache so I decided to go back home at 13h to 1) watch more Lamento 2) read Lamento manga in the garden 3) get my Olga Tokarczuk book !!!!!!!!

I missed Lamento

Konoe : "There is no such thing as absolute."
"Following the elder or defying him, that's your choice, isn't it ?"
"It wasn't a bad thing to honor one's traditions and bloodlines. (...) propably did it to bring unity to the members of the village. But at the same time, it isolated their society."
"The elder is wrong. Outside of Kira, the world sprawls out all over. Don't you want to know about that ? "

25/05 : decided to go to Dokomi ^__^
Düsseldorf let's go !
Only staying one day : no suitcase ! lightly! floating in my little bubble

bashing my head against a wall
There is a super cool person who asked my help to have good scan of the character design of Mayu (Slow Damage) because they're going to cosplay him and aaaaaaaaahh I feel so aahh blessed and I feel helpful !!!!!!!!!!!!!

24/05 : It's Sunday and I am going to drink something very cold and then I will draw tonight.

I feel dispersed

Had a lovely day yesterday
Make up my eyes but now they're hurting
slept 10 hours.
Smoked a little bit but decided to say no to the second round: I need lucidity. Choosing sober life especially when there are many people around and when I feel vulnerable. Weather is crazy- around 15°c-32°c.
I am happy I came back home early last night, I am so tired.
I am happy that I had the time to spacing out in the calm of the bus
I wish I could draw more but oughhh my eyes
best moments

noooo my cat mieowed again at night to the neighbour's cat and now I can't sleep anymoewr

rawdog and tunnel

I bought a pair of matching earrings to a beloved friend and a carnet (probably not made by the seller ? because several stands sells them, but the person seems kind so I want to have one because I actually use and need notebook. (I wanted to start writing Nheira OC story without mentioning the name in it. Just writing about his strenght as a God, and perfection. but it is a complexe challenge) There is a tree, a tree of life, engraved on the book. A kind friend offered me a birthday gift freshly bought on the market (racoon!)

at a medieval market, I have a crush on someone I often see...
...
What if I am bored and decide to take the first step by offering a note with my phone number to a stranger
I am having lots of hopes and despairs

decided to not

22/05 : went to sleep at 1:30, woke up at 5:26 because the cat was meowing, clearly not had enough sleep

I knew some people who got a job, start living with their partner or friends for a time, decided to end up alone and struggling to pay their rent. and the only reason they can not move from their routine is their job. I don't want a life like that
So i decided that I want to travel and start over
I am scared to be rooted somewhere, to conditions, to contracts, to a person
My independancy must be freedom

21/05 : went to sleep at 3. woke up at 10:43. yesterday was my birday... getting even older than I was... Didn't thought I would reach this moment in my life. My mom got angry at my brother, and uh... it really really feels like she is doing it on purpose. She was in a bad mood ruining the day. She probably had enough. I fled from home, and walked walked and walked

can't believe drawing this makes me feel better

I don't know.... why I tried so hard
I was drawing on the wrong stencil and decide to continue
uuuh really want to make a drawing of Makoto from Sweet Pool other than silly little cheebz but no actual motivation and no one my friends are online atm give sign of life so I am just polishing an ugly drawing and it's still ugly and I am disappointed and my hand hurts and also is heart also I must study for uni exam but I am so lazy and unmotivated it's been raining for weeks and I am so sick of it

19/05 : still laying in my bed, navigating between books, phone, books, phone, books... curled up under my cover, I changed my sheets and it smells good.
I am lingering on some websites, some tasks, some magma jam, some ideas, knowing that I will not join in

at what time did I went to sleep yesterday because i woke up at 7:39
(went to sleep at around 3am)
I getting less and less time of sleep
also my stomach hurrrrts so much what
what did I eat to hurt that badly ....
Are people losing interest in me ?

Allow me, to the tips of your fingers
Allow me, to the ends of your feet
Dissolve me in your gaze
I don't want to let you go
Please, leave me scars
Please, hurt me so that
Not a single drop of me remains
Let me drown in you

Until these falling stars
Are buried in the blur of time
On your icy lips
Read my soul
Yes, my soul

Even if your words are sharp
Carve scars beneath my eyes
May they linger on your tongue
You can break me apart
Notice my pain
And heal me right now
To quiet my fears
I'll drown in you

Sick of these nights to come
To be engulfed in silence
In your gaze where I'm seen
Consume me

To this everlasting melody
Face to face we dance
With our story
Lost in forever's embrace
Until these falling stars
Are buried in the blur of time
On your icy lips
Read my soul
Yes, my soul

Sick of these nights to come
To be engulfed in silence
In your gaze where I'm seen
Consume me

blabla

I am tired. My cat is sitting on me, on my chest. It's heavily raining outside.
Listing the books I want to read from Olga Tokarczuk : Les Enfants Verts, Sur les ossements des morts. Citations on Babelio.

I am resting. still sick. Enjoying the moment. Big blue and white cup, warm water, thyme and dragons.

17/05 : woke up so late ouchhh it's 14:05 now...
Had so luch fun yesterday, drawing

I coded a little doghouse to reunite all the arts we made with my Wave !

Some more arts from Magma ^_^

all men
Men are so gross. I think I am into girls forever until I got my heart broken, I will be on my own. I never experienced a proper real ftf lesbian relationship and I am really building strong walls between me and men.
Some of my friends are transgender which is a total personal valid decision but my perception can't make me not feel excluded and disappointed they are becoming ...uh... a disgusting gender.
I got abused by men, by transgender men and probably by women too (humans in general, no distinction). But dead men don't rape. Lately, I just can't stand it
I don't believe men, or a binary world. I don't believe an acceptable future with disorders and absurdity

16/05 : I stayed up until late to read some articles about ALNSTG and I discovered the comics untranslated. I decided to read it still, to understand better the universe. The official arts are so beautiful, and the stories, dialogs and logics are very very interesting!! I am happy I dug up into these because I am feeling very marked by this.

Alien stage spoilerThe fact Till became unable to speak after the what happened (it's the same in Chainsaw man, some scene aren't explicitly explained) make me feel ouuughh feel things. Because these pet-children are basically raised to sing in Alien stage. Also because I am a writer and he is communicating with a small notebook and also because I learned sign language since my speaking ability is limited. Also Till likes to draw.
The Mizi character development makes me feel uncomfortable, the fact she wants to crush someone instead of being crushed, it is very disturbing. Pink hair character struggles uh. Also I had empathy for Luka but since I knew that he is artificially made truly put me off. The interactions between these two is really harsh though. Mizi is the pretty girl everyone's love (even if she is a lesbian who things men are gross) and Luka isn't able to normally interact with humans (he killed Hyuna brother because he wants her for himself, he interact with a alien-made logic, and his human side is constantly decaying and dying) which hurts to see.
How to write about Ivan ? he is a zero mistake performer. But as every children in this universe, he has traumatic fundamentally struggles and misunderstand humans. The fact he ends up parasiting Till is very very weird, what even he is ? Why does he appears evil in Till's mind ? The fact he finds a similarity with Sua in the idea of sacrificing themselves to make the other one wins reunites a strenght that bring them closer. They're described as being dark minded ; Sua is very cold and hardly raised and Ivan's owner is a rich one. Ivan seems to be interested in Till, even if he keeps rejecting him and even hit him when they're kid in "Cheer up" coloured comic. Is Ivan gay lol I can't read his mind and that makes me feel crap I just see him being beautiful and grinning. When he probably had a more complex mind. In the artbook he appears being friendly in his tone, he don't hate Mizi, Sua and Till, even if these three actually have a bad reflect about his character.
Hyuna and the rebels are a very interesting part of the universe. The external world trying to fight for their cause in this society. Jacob and his kindness. Isaac and his observations. Deweeeyyy. Hyuna and her fond for bad jokes, drowning her incapacity and gloomy mind state in alcohol. They are so pityful and still full of hopes. They are hope !

It's rainy, I drew with Ranyan my friend (she is super cool, super stylish and super funny I LUUUV HER SM) and it was very fun
She only stays like one hour when I usually sit for 5 hours straight to scribble
I listened at so more music and now I am sitting in my bed feeling all empty and a little bit sad.
It's rainy, I am still sick. I struggle to motivate myself to study or doing whatever else. I want to improve my art but also I don't know what to draw but fandom that keep me excited
I feel like I am having a very close connection with people who share the same interests as me, but I also feel a dependency

anyways I ate some cat's croquettes earlier, just to try and it wasn't bad

my friend keep calling me sigma lol

15/05 : drew with my beloved friend, Wave
Alienstage collab !!!
I would like to share some drawing. We've been drawing a lot on oekaki board lately. It's such a fun moment. I always wanted to lock in my room and draw on my table when I was young, it was the first thing I thought when I was on vacation.
I currently am not in vacation lol and I should study for uni and stuff but... I still have time, I don't feel stressed so I can relax a bit. I know my activities aren't vain, and I am progressing, developing something new and different !

Allow me / Dissolve me in yout gaze
Please leave me scar / Let me drown in you

12/05 : Should study but I am sick in my bed watching her86m²

My whole body hurts. Being sick (but like very violently, this virus seems especially trying to kill me and my bro) and having periods is the wwworst situation...
Been drawing on magma, cool arts, cool people ehehe
Neocities seems to be in trouble

I must do my laundry one day but it's rainy and cold here

Trying to breathe
Hugging my cat tightly

spilled my tea all over my bed

11/05 : I'm currently feel so full of love right now. Full of hopes and kindness.
I told myself this morning : the world needs softness. I am softness. I know that my heart has immense potential of love. Sharing, offering, remembering. We are all on our timeline. It's never late to show love. Don't forget

update : Będę wracać do domu i spać

exam went well, my teacher is soooo kind and lovely and offers us polski czekolady and aaaahh I felt sad for not having prepared anything for her because I was trochę chory and slept the whole weekend... I hope to see her again and to offer her a calligraphy of her name. I know that her desk is in the AZ building ! I hope to see her again next year and maybe to write her a postcard

Exam today. I got my periods. I am sick. Bus is late. I have hicups. I am pissed. I should die I think everything should end now.

"we wait for friday, we wait for summer, then wait for next year, but what exactly are we waiting for?"
act now !!

I feel like I don't send much love to people on my socials and that's why I don't get any in return

got like so many messages but all of them was so boring and deceptive
Social media is so borinnnng
also still sick in my bed

10/05: noo i am sickkkk what should I dooo ahh

9/05 : going to MJ now !

"Cap"

Forgot my scooter and had to do U-turn and finally decided to take another way to go there ! my throat hurts. I think my brother gave me his fucking flu.

observations : little gardens, a boy dressed in pink

The path the bus took was absolutely delightful !!! pretty houses, huge plains with flowers and even horses ! so lovely
Arrived to the station, discovered the streets and the zone

7/05 : tiptaptiptap pretending i am doing something
Wanted to go back home early to draw on magma but it seems I will be too tired to even draw a line so I am stuck in the capital huh
I don't really even want to go back home. I feel angry, lost, inconsolable
What could make me feel better ?
Not even sure social interactions would fix me, even worse
and I don't have friends near here anyways

fml missed the bus. angry because this day was lame
Interactions were meh. Weather was meh. Nothing interesting, my body hurts and that is all.

took a nap earlier so I struggle to sleep tonight. It's 0:47. I don't know what I should do to sleep. Tomorrow (today) I am having a very long day, the accumulation of all the different courses noted on my schedule pushes pressure on me.

I've done stretching with my mom showing her the self-hug to reduce pressure and actually feeling yourself. I think it was nice ❤️‍🩹

My teeth hurt because I ate meat.

I keep losing followers on my art account
Is my art that bad ? (prolly)

6/05 : craving cream and strawberries...
I woke up at 6am but I have class until 18h so I know that I should rest in my bed. I don't know how I am suppose to make it and tomorrow is going to be so worse because I finish at 20h. Schedules failed me, I have 4 hours break in the middle I should : stay in a calm place. Bring biscuits, eat at midday (but I have class 😔)
Ate very satisfying breakfast. Drank green tea, took a shower, it's raining outside. it's now 9:38, I am in the bus, heading to uni. 🎶 listening at wiege from ALNSTG. Had a very nice time on Magma yesterday. My friend lives at 11 hours time zone from me. It feels so distant, so unique also. Other friends are travelling in Asia, I envy them.
E-mailing people and never getting answer, sending postcard and never receiving anything back. But then there are these caring internet friends... 💌

Because I have a long day, I decided to eat on the campus, there is a place where many students are gathering to get food and I decided to go with someone from my class after a reunion with two dudes because we had a group work. But I took too long to decide and when I had my food the person I was with invited all their friends at the table and when I installed myself they all left (including the person who came with me) so I ended up eating lonely
and this picture is really really sad
I am picturing myself being solo, miserably eating my food and it makes me want to scream in the wind

5/05 : must remember that I am free and have free will
also i need to buy a new cable for my mp3... because it glitches

My english class went well !! Teacher keeps asking me if I am good or okay and I just smile in a very silly way
There is a student that came from Japan for an Erasmus and I wish I had guts to ask them to be friends
also didn't had the guts to ask the contacts of the girl I am having class with because they keep running away so fast after school (am I just very slow ???)
So i am pretty sad. It was the penultimate class so maybe I will ask whatever next week before its too late
oh we are taking the same bus with the jp duuude noo way but they're with their friend

I want to eat peaches, strawberries, bananas and fruits for ever ! also meat.

4/05 : can't wait to go back home and draw yaoi
also why do i always just look like a twink emo boi ? I wonder when my nymph or alpha energy will wake up...

1/05 : watching Peter & the wolf by Suzie Templeton, 2006.

30/04 : i feel so mature yet not at all
I will leave the city and everything will fade and I will bloom again in my little forest

28/04 : even took a nap
bought strawberries 🍓

27/04 went to Nuka's place
amazing quarter
Discussion about black holes and space

went back home at 8:30
slept the whole day

24/04 : listening at the live of B7klan for the contest...
Sugar singer has an amazing character personality...
Aconite singer is crazyyyy
Mama. band has such a cool flow !

23/04 : Higurashi no naku koro ni has probably the most amazing op song ever

22/04 : Had a super nice time in Paris
but I feel like my friend is tired of me :< I mistake the checkout it was at 11 instead of 12
ok we did it well !! spend the afternoon eating with their friend which is super lovely and kind ! I am pretty polite and social (need to appear kind... is obligatory) so it went well

21/04 : Having an amazing time in Paris, woke up and took a shower
Started visiting guitar stores, perfumery store (my Engrish is very slippy and I feel stupid) and I noticed there is a very specific vocabulary people use (i am a very urban lame loser person) - scented instead of smell, mellow, sweet, sour instead of acid, woody, floral, printanier, white flower, peppery, warm
Sometimes I just shout disgusting word and feel ashamed all the time
We ate pho in the evening in a very cosy place and I felt so safe and loved

20/04 : on my way to Paris !
Of course : super crowded bus, but I got it on time !
Fell in the bus lol but didn't hurt myself
Broke a keychain but didn't lost it
everything is going to be good I DUN CARE !!!!

Stairs experience in metro ofc
arrived early ! Lucky us
The hotel reception was shit ! french ppl!
Concert ! arrived around 16-45-17h~
Lavender smoke and ate pims !
Chocolate and pastry are veey nice in France

met two nice person in the queue, and friendly Lise

19/04 :
ok. okay. okayyy. ooookay. and so I watched Alien stage

also Chiral Night as been announced on the official Nitro+Chiral account byt obviously I won't be able to participate aha-ahaha

18/04 : stomach aches. I don't remember my dreams and I am stressed, very anchored to reality
Very conscious of the fact that I can't be everywhere and everytime here and there

I find it concerning that some people have the aura of influencing their friends, and their authority actually have impact on how they perceive the world and aprehend other people. I notice that some people can not think by themselves and rely on other so hard (are they showing their loyalty ? why are they acting like little dogs ? Are they that weak ?) they prefer to positionate themselves against other when their friend has an argument and this, without having their own idea and making their own experience of the person they are fighting against. Most of the time, these people create problems and in groups dynamics they are little sheeps.

16/04 : concerts at uni but princess me must go home early because I live in my little middle-of-nowhere town
Saw my punky heart friend Ez and talked chitchatted a little bit
Presence acting, I am returning back in my little asocial bedroom
🖋️ Wrote to my friend, wrote about my university struggles at library earlier. It's good, it's fine
Thinking of getting the smiley piercing but I am scared to go alone

reminder : Academic weapon and I am doing good, I am doing well

21:20 : I find it very concerning but there were 8 militaries walking with huge backpacks near the forest. Horrible feeling of war approaching. why
People are just killing other people pretending it's a game or their work. it's scary, deshumanizing, sad
Politicians are allowing militaries to kill people. To bomb houses. Policy officers are allowed to enter in houses of immigrants. People who need help, people who are already insecure. They create more insecurity, violence. it's scary
You are not safe anywhere anymore

15/04 : three minutes to run and get in the bus !!! got it I love going back home iyaaaa
Had class at 10am, ate at 1pm, four hours ago and this is fine and normal I shouldn't think that "I am eating too much" especially when there were leftovers... I am very brave to eat.

14/04 : jprdl so afraid they cancel my plane
my friend shave their head and looks very cool now
Marina from my class offered me a book and this is such a lovely intention
Fine. ok ! ok it's fine

13/04 : lowkey dropping class. I don't get the interest in economy of this capitalist system, I can't grasp the utility because this is so deshumanising.

I don't know. I should maybe try harder, but i am so not interested, I feel stuck in this cursus
I definitely think I should try harder
but at what cost ? that is the thing I learned : effort at what cost ? I am not economist and I shouldn't to analogy with my actual situation but I just can't make it not happens, i am a very internal thinker and must apply concepts to understand it.
I am not sure I want to become a marketing manager, an economist or a lawyer. Understand bases of it should be doable honestly. I must be confident about what I can actually remember.
I enter in conflict with my bachelor courses : I miss sociology and litterature.
When I will get my diploma, I must travel. I must experience life. Now that I know !

12/04 : are we living in an era of accelerated accumulation of interactions

9/04 : eepy. class at 6pm until 8pm. tired. Weather is warm. My periods came. I feel like a monster

8/04 : might look very very odd because of anxiety, pretending it's flow.
I really imagine some crazy plans and such at night but during the day I feel just so tired and indecise

new album of dir en grey !! aaahhh
I just sat under a biiig statue and listened at it and writing in my notebook near a lake. pure bliss

7/04 : it's sunny 🌸 cherry trees are probably blossoming near the cemetery
I feel detached and disconnect with my past, because I need to move on
Kind of pissed because the weather is sooo nice and they still stick us with 16h-18h and 18h-20h class which make me obligated to stay focused until evening (still interesting to go to class but I want to paaaint rrhaaa)
saw Ashe ! ate sushi 🍣
wandered a little bit and did some missions ~

dream : I DREAMT THAT I KISSED MY CRUSH. writing on because EVERYBODY HAVE TO KNOW THAT from now : I KISSED MY CRUSH IN MY DREAM. GUYS. I FEEL THINGS
I CAN FEEL SOMETHING IS CHANGING IN ME. HOLY SHIT kyaaaaa

6/04 : day off
Woke up at 6:30 to study ! Trying hard. Keeping the rythm, it feels so good !

4/04 : got a new desk table. Went alone to pick it and lift it to the first floor. Very proud of myself. done laundry also

3/04 : One of the best thing I decided to choose for my future was to break up with my expartner and not engaging myself to live (in the same place) with someone else in a exclusive love relationship!

You need time after a breakup. You need time alone. You need time to heal your wounds and understand your behaviour, injustice and acknowledge your freedom.
It matters. You need to be sane and clean before flourishing love again ! 🌱🪻 Love to yourself is eternal

hehe I love being with myself so much.

But sometimes I miss being physically close with someone... I am scared of doing the step forward because it always ends up very disappointing and awkward.
But also I feel like I built a very thick wall between me and others people, I look like unapproachable (some people told me) and it makes me sad that people think that I am very against hug and such when I am just normal about it (well it also depends with who and when and where)

2/04 : it's 9°c and I can say that I am freezing. I don't know when I will have my periods and I feel bad and anxious about it
Hiding somewhere in a not crowded part of uni. Here there are many stairs, very tall windows and old trees can be seen through it, there is a charming old house and moss on its roof.
It's raining and it's cold outside. Wanted to see a friend but : no transport, windy as hell... This will not going to stop me ! I like to imagine I can bring some hope and happiness to my friends and even if the way isn't easy, it is fine.
After seeing my friends, I really felt like fulfilled with satisfaction, it went well. Wasn't perfect at all and it doesn't has to be!
Offered chocolate, sold my stickers and smiled to my friends. uh uh

1/04 : my skin is in a terrible condition. My lips are dry I want a clear skin ! ate very little : a soup and a coffee at school.
Got my bus to go home ~ on time
I have a terrible feeling that I smell bad, is this my clothes ? i really need to perfume every piece I have. Can't forget the insisting shoot a girl gave me today

everything sounds like a joke, but I am not laughing

I just booked my fly to go to Poland this summer ! (for my studies)

31/03 : I am trying to be sufficient
The weather makes me feel like I depend on it, but sometimes I didn't expect such a lovely sunlight in the middle of grey clouds.