hello silly name for this blog (budseed is my journal of researches to growing my connections,
cultivating joy, enjoying summer time)
/log in 

How I feel : must be proud of me
Weather check : 22°c, 2:15am.

aahh uhhhhh a friend of mine posted art on sm and I slided in the comment to see (curiosity) and a good friend of them who was also friend with me but not anymore because their bf got jealous left a comment and I was too curious, I scrolled down their profile and saw that they posted so much art and they seem to be so constant and doing so well it makes me feel like shit
What is this feeling ?
I thought I buried these, old memories that hurt...
This is stupid to be that curious. 
Hey, I drew a lot too. I cleaned my OC sheets, made new friends, made new OC with new friends, role played, wrote fictions, participated to expos, artists market, got in a crew, travelled solo, met strangers and trusted them, entered fandoms, finished animes, went to cinema, finished visual novels, went to concerts, enjoyed the night, being alone and confident.

I healed my wounds and make them bleed again. Scars remind me everything.

For real, I must be proud of me.

AlsobI noticed that : I can not be everywhere everytime. I'm closing my eyes, for a while 


I am going to meet An cafe and LM.C at a concert ~
Excited for D'espairsray, Jiluka and Kizu (their visuals are sickkkk) !!!
Must updatemy vkei page after that...
Versailles and Moi dix Mois are bringing noticeable popularity at the festival even if the music doesn't fit much my style atm~~~

My mom would think that I am regressing in my nostalgia but I am actually accomplishing the things I wasn't able to make when I was young

I am telling y'all : living in a daily lifecouple with a man doesn't makes you more independent but traveling in places you want to be does !


Tomorrow I will make myself pretty !

How I feel : relaxed not relaxed
Weather check : 19°c, 1:56am, evening is chill, it feels good.

Today is my day off. I mean, I really should enjoy these kind of time because I don't have important and bothering things to do, I've done my administrative stuffs and I can relax now. I had some crazy ideas but I'm not doing it and whenever I have some free time I just sleep lol. Not being very productive make me feel guilty, I should be more active !
I want to try make up again but I don't want to look weird in front of my family, or show them how much time I spend to prepare myself to... stay at home. aha. Actually I shouldn't care that much and just do, but I am blankly staring at my packed make-up all dressed in lazy clothes.

I really should enjoy these moments of no-stress
Because this moment is supposed to be the most stress-free time of my whole vacation 💀

aghh woke up at 5am then at 14:29........... hello ?
dreamt of furry fursuit making


Double Dragon- LM.C


How I feel : headache because too much screentime
Weather check : 27°c, start of a heatwave.

Saving the pictures of my phone. I use the device since May 2024 and accumulate more than 17000 pictures already... ough.
Trying different ways of back up... Googling to understand how it works.

My mom mowed the lawn and it makes me sad, angry and desesperate. Why would you do that in the middle of a heatwave.
Oh it's 19:56, I was supposed to do some groceries but wasn't motivate. Sent e-mails this morning, listening at the LM.C song to be ready for the concert this Saturday, they produces so much wow... aha



Finally watching Cells at work! (2024) live action ! It's so well done ... Cried the first 10 minutes.
"But now, I know that I was an important member of the team.
It's not about who's superior, or who is stronger because none of us can exist alone.
We support and complement each other. That's how we protect the body of ours.
There are about 37 trillion cells at work within the human body.
The majority will live out their lives or be killed by external forces (...)."

IT WAS SO GOOD WHAT THE F



✅form auditeur libre (need : payer frais d'inscription 85ballz, valider mes exams foirés en deuxième session, attendre la délibération), ai envoyé un e-mail à la faculté d'archi
✅ ouvert un formulaire de demande de bourse
✅ email faculté infocom pour changement d'option de langue
☑️ demander CPAS asap après ou avant le 14/09 lol?
☑️ demander aide étudiant (apres 14/09 lol)


must fill the form for free auditory, but I think it's pricey... I really want to assist architect courses
also must write an email to have jp courses next year 

Maybe buying a new trousse isn't necessary, I just could use a totebag to store my journaling scraps


28°c, 16:09 : Took less than 10 min to get pack my things, getting ready and leave. Even managed to put on some makeup 

I want to be drowned while listening at Diving deep that would be perfect

Saw my Damimi friend, they gave me a transport card for my incoming travel. That's crazy how I am socially awkward, and my english is very hesitant. I hope I didn't make a bad impression ??
I adore them so much... Did a shy Ivan oshikatsu... ate sushi
Meeting was fast because 1) there was a strike 2) I took so much time, but haven't time enough (bro left the house at 15h aussi frr) to oshicafé 3) we yapyap about lot of things, I hope I had more time spent with them. We told to each other next time we will see again (after our travelssss) we will watch Panty & Stocking together

Honestly, I wish I was able to yapyap faster and in a more interesting way. I sound bored and boring when I talk and knowing that makes me even more hesitant to speak





How I feel : sleep deprived, depressed, relaxed the pressure, burnt calories, gaining them back ("salt increases fast reflection", from Olga Tokarczuk)
Weather check : 25°c, sunlight is bright
Thinking about where do all my friends went yesterday evening ? I left early, the party was very nice. Even if I arrived late, I had a good time there. I saw some of my old friends, people I really love and cherish. I miss them but I am not very close to them, for some reasons, I feel there is a distance between me and everyone. I probably build these barriers.
Leaving early because my friend starts to have anxiety and wants to go back home. I accompany them to their bike, and then took my own way.
I walked all the night, alone. Until 8am, I thought : "everyone is leaving me and I leave everyone. No special dependancy to anyone anymore, I am free !" but also I felt the urge to hide, to not be seen, then the envy to be loved, cherished with the exactly same intensity I do with other. I quietly said out loud : "I live in a very suicidal way. No matter where the night leads me, no matter if I never go home, I will just live the way my experiences lead me to."
Very blurry experience due to overdoing maybe. Night time is blissful. Early morning without one minute of sleep in your brain is fucked up, still an interesting experience though. Just... My body started twitching, spasming and my eyes are closing by themselves in the first public transport (I go in to pass the time, and to benefit the warmth) It's interesting to observe people : fresh early worker and the opposite, errants like me, looking for discretion, feeling too exposed by the daylight. The night colours still stick on clothes and face. People who don't sleep have a fading aura. I feel i am more and more detached to life whenever I stop sleeping.



17:56. Just woke up wow.

How I feel : strong, sleepy, done everything I could, accomplish some goals in the city, performing
I am trying to not look at people in the eyes

8:41. ehe i am in bed

7:55. I am so tired I am going to puke (no actually i am good, I ate an apple I carried in my bag. I really feel like Mishke)

7:16. 4/07/26 : Ce trajet de tram 7 délicieux avec le soleil dans le cou ✨ je me sens sauvé 


7:01. I am starting to be cold, imagining places where I could sleep. I just need a cover on me, like a plaid. oh my god. I am so cold, i am so homeless so I just wander. I passed near a bakery earlier and it smells so so good. In one hour I will be able to take the bus to go back home. I am so tired woaw, what an idea to go wander alone like this fml i am so stupid for real.
Sometimes I am just telling myself I should jump over a bridge, or let me crushed under a random massive thing and die. I am very on the edge whenever I lack sleep but actually also when I am just casually myself.
I have a suicidal discourse. I feel concerned by death and especially violent one. I am so vulnerable rn. I feel irritated by people, by sights of people, I don't feel well but I know I also just need that to feel myself : suffering to be aware that I am alive.
In reality, I just went out to walk and burn calories. 17445 steps so far. Heading home.

I wonder if people around me, actually know how critical state I am right now
I am just a traumatized child that's all.

4:02. I am outside. Kinda knew it's going to end up like this. My friends went back home and I decided to stay... Because I have to wait until 7am my first transport. I am sober and maybe cooked
Weather is good, fresh 13°c.

I saw many things today, some energies, and I discovered mine. Gravitating around people, cards, cages, old friends. It was somehow traumatizing a little bit, the outside world. I mean everywhere. I sometimes have signs from the world "do this" or "don't". It's guiding me, leading me to where I am supposed to be.


We were supposed to reunite with the crew to do an outside jam painting session but it seems plans are changing
Bro will be late, one has not material, the other bro works and will arrive late
I will just hide at VUB and paint alone ig
Not blaming anyone but it sucks 😔 Hopefully I went yesterday to prove myself I can do things alone huh



How I feel : calm. infiltred, detective, checking the socials about a suicide case, concerned.
Weather check : 21°c, white cloud in the morning, bright sun in the afternoon

Done a painting mission in a legal spot. Simple clothes and the fluorescent yellow jacket as a worker in public place offers legitimacy for public works.
It feels good, I feel very calm.

20:08, 23°c
Mmmhh my head hurts. whyyyy
Went to kubus sklep and bought sweet drink (mięta mango) and czekolade.
Have to wait one hour for my bus to go home nyah...
Decided to explore the uni campus a little bit owo
Found places where I can hide and not be seen !!! ehehe




How I feel : scared, exhausted, morbid. Took a nap
Weather check : 22°c, cloudy, some sun this morning

There is a missing person who probably committed suicide after Dokomi (Yuki May, from Poland), a manganime convention in Germany. The body has been found floating in a lake near Köln. I was morbidely curious and checked the image on the polizei nrw site(TW : this is the picture of a decease person). I feel so sorry for that person, even if it's a man cosplaying Homura from Madoka. The pictures show some self-harm scars, this person perhaps went alone at the con and drown themselves in cosplay (the reasons are unclear). I remember the weather was very high (32°c) for a convention day, I hope it is not a murder, the case of murder seems low because the research of informations about this person has been publicly published 1 month after the event. Maybe it was an accident ?
What breaks my heart is that, I completely understand the fact of committing suicide after being at such an event alone, being overwhelmed by everything and deciding to drown yourself. No one reported them, so it's highly probable that they went alone which breaks even more my heart.

update of the case : on a reddit subtopics, they identified the corpse and found their social medias : homurcia on X. The person committed a suicide after the convention and has a partner yukira.707. Both were polish from Poland, living in Germany.
They knew about shinjū, no longer human of Osamu Dazai (I plan to read it when I turn 27yo! like the protagonist) who tried several times to accomplish double suicide.
For some reason, Yuki May gave their final breath alone (Kira is not to blame !) in the Rhin.
Rest in peace 🕊️ 



OC !!! Phi and Nam
dead soldier demon and his human brother... survived war



I am on my way to the cinema.
it's 13:35.
Weather is windy, grey. I havent took any umbrella and the jacket I am wearing hasn't a hood, I hope my itabag is waterproof uuuhhghuuy Anyways, I prefer when bags don't look like clean and new, I like the destroyed one...
My head hurts a little
weather check : 21°c, it's warm but cool enough to wear a jacket

SOOO I spent so much time in the papeterie store, bought a gift for my Wave ! Then I went to the café!!!
took a matcha, it was warm actually because iced one was more expensive 
It was good ~
Listened at Nitro Cafe CD Drama !! goal accomplished, I am a little bit eepy and hungry 
There was a BTS pop up expo near the centrum and I saw my reflect in a window I look very ravaged by lack of sleep guuuh
Now I am in the cinema, it's 16:33 film hasn't started yet.

okay it's 18:59. Film (Good Boy, by Jan Komasa) was amazing  crazy cool. Really I recommend it !! I preferred Sala samobójców of course 
My top from Jan Komasa (the one I watched) is probably:
1. Sala Samobójców 
2. Good Boy
3. Hejter
4. Boże Ciało 

The scenes were so beautiful as usual 

After that, I went to eat because my stomach were growling all along the film guuuuh
I went to a restaurant* I used to go when I was younger, unfortunately the soup was very mediocre (lots of bones in the meat) but it gave le energy !! It was so overpriced, everything costs so much ?!? Inflation is hard.

*funny not funny long story short : last time I went to that place it was with my father and I did an overdose just before and threw up in his car lmaoooooo rip


How I feel : must prepare things for tomorrow, don't want to sleep. Frustrated cause haven't drew any characters today
Weather check : 15°c, 01:36

Tomorrow : bus 13:33 -> arrive at 14:30 in centrum (not even arrived yet)
I want to go to the manga café library

weather will be min 13°c to 23°c
especting light rain 20%-30% from 13:00 to 17:00

I really really want to go to a café and listen at NitroCafe CD Drama...


Cinema solo date : going to see "Good boy", by Jan Komasa
film starts at 16:25
ends at 18:15

cosy coffeeshops close at 18:30
Many shops are closed on Monday and Tuesday :C ...



How I feel : confused, scared to lack sleep and be even more confused.
Weather check : Heatwave passed in may and mid-june (EU,BE), heavy rain poured with powerful storms. It's windy. 24°c max today.

Finally in vacation, it's my second year of uni and so many things happened. Sometimes I am very scared of how knowledge can shape your mind and erase a part of wildness in your soul.
I also feel I don't fit in the norms... But I am still trying to get in the file of the movement because I find it interesting.
Currently studying Information&Communication (journalism), criminology (law, sociology and psychology), and polish.
In my free time, I draw on magma, write in my journal, not cleaning space, go out to graff. I am having a weird life at the moment.
Feeling nostalgic, my interests for manganime grew and I went back to convention, gather official goods and merches, support artists and go to a lot of concert. I am drowning in my nostalgy, I find it reassuring. I am also very lonely, creating fictive scenarios with OC, reading so many visual novel it makes me feel like : I am understood. I am scared to reach a no return point where I start to be asocial, and lose faith in humanity. I really really had some good time with IRL people, discovered many things at uni, but also had been disappointed a lot.
I am sticking with being productive, feeling like I am just scratching the surface of art at the moment. I know I can do better, I should consacred time and energy to real concrete projects, but I feel shy. How so ? Is it the way I am ? Was I more brave back then ? I don't think so... I rushed to so many opportunities. I am holding my impatient step and planning stability instead (not even sure), well I am taking some time for introspection and retro-spection. I am reading my old logs, focusing on the past and the future. but... Am I living in the present ? Something is missing, something feels wrong and I feel it.
Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to rest, to be in peace. I don't know why, guilty maybe come from the sight of others (family, neighbours, observers, friends...) also because in my education (Asia, viet) you always have to do better. But also... There is always someone who will do better than you (reflection about Till, Ivan in Alienstage : there is always someone who can beat you and make you defeated), always. Anyways, life isn't a contest, right ? We are losing the reality (my mom is losing it) and verity (hers isn't mine) become the reasoning and the "only way", when there is so many different ways. You will find your way. /kind words
Pictures /log ^ my beautiful bag full of touys ^ my Konoe ~ good luck
Travelling /log

vkei festival !!!!!!!!!

Paris, France.




word that resonate with my mind :

emotional support
bandage-squandering machine
woods
tragic
fancy
distrust
kindness
health
care
deprived
aptitude
no dependancy
freedom
willpower
mantra
discourse
OC & fictions & memes
started to watch Bungo Stray Dogs ep 5 is so cute ep 6 : Risô "Everything about me is written in this notebook. My schedule, my plans, my ambitions. This notebook contains my entire future. (...) I am an idealist walking the earth, and a realist in pursuit of ideals." Ideals to reality ep 7 : "Love for the Disease Called Ideals" 理想という病を愛す Mastermind "Lower your gun ! What good will this accomplish ?" "If you were to shoot me now, it would be excessive use of force." Righteousness is a weapon. It can hurt people, but rarely can save them. ep 9. Doppo to Atsushi : "I'm not telling you to reject empathy for someone who's fallen into misfortune. You only have room for one in your boat. If you try to save someone you can't save, you'll both end up sinking. Dazai : "You can't do a double suicide alone..." Atsushi to Akugatawa : "Don't decide whether someone is worthy of being alive! People need to be told they're worthy of being alive by others!" Kenji : "Be not defeated by the rain. Be not defeated by the wind. Nor by the knife. Be of sound body. Be without desire. Never be angered. Always have a quiet smile. That is whim I wish to be." ex-doctor, middle age man : "A logical, optimal solution exists in any wartime situation, no matter how difficult is the challenge. Don't fortget that, especially in times of confusion when you might feel inclined to recklessness." There is a way, even in difficult times.
マキシム☆とまと (Luck Life's first band name's MAXIM☆tomato